Staple Department Responds to New Budget Proposal
January 31st, 2007“No,” says Staple Department.
New Managing Accountant struggles to fit in at Lucha.
January 27th, 2007
”El Conejo Azul De La Muerte” or Tony, as his coworkers have taken to calling him, has found his first month at Lucha difficult. Many employees find his attire distracting and inappropriate.” “He doesn’t wear pants,” said Sam Dobson, a LW marketing associate. “Why is he blue? What’s with the mask?” He added. ” He doesn’t look like what you would think an accountant looks like.” Said Amanda Smith. “EL Conejo” was acquired by Lucha C.E.O., Clarence on a recent trip to Mexico.
Personnel Manager Wesley Plimpton has reassured that despite his strange looks Tony comes highly recommended. “He has several championship and tag team belts in Mexico, which I am sure are like Mexican Accounting Awards or something. As far as his attire is concerned, That’s probably just like a business suit in Mexico. I think here at Lucha we try to be a little more open minded than other companies.”
A few employees, particularly female employees have taken a liking to El Conejo. “He’s very mysterious and fearless” says Jill, who works in the design department.
Raising more concern than his appearance is his proposed budget plan. The 32 page document which has been secretly circling the Workshop, asks for large cuts to LW’s budget. One section of the document entitled “Why do we even have a Stapling Department?,” Has workers in the Stapling Department worried. The plan calls for the department to be cut in half. The manager of the Stapling Department had this to say: “He’s not making any friends by getting rid of the gold plated premium staples, massages, the wine and cheese table, or Pizza Day,” all of which are considered Stapling Department essentials.
When asked about his new work enviornment El Conejo Azul De La Muerte said, ” “El Conejo Azul De La Muerte va a prevalecer.” (The Blue Bunny of Death will prevail)
Michael Richards Does Not Like Lucha
December 2nd, 2006Witnesses confirmed toady that actor/comedian Michael Richards, known for his loveable Kramer character on the hit TV show Seinfeld, was in fact NOT wearing a “Lucha” t-shirt when he made racist remarks at a comedy club in Los Angeles two weeks ago.
The widely publicized digital-camera video footage of Richards’ performance clearly depicts the comedian unleashing a barrage of racial slurs at two black hecklers in the audience. But the grainy video quality has prevented a clear view of what Richards was wearing on stage. Only now are reports surfacing that the comic’s shirt was indeed not a “Lucha Workshop” brand.
One witness described it as a purple ill-fitting collared dress-shirt with the sleeves rolled up.
“It didn’t have any awesome design on it,” said eyewitness Damien Hedge. “It was just this drab purple thing. Looked like he just found it in a dumpster and put it on.”
Actor/comedian Paul Rodriguez, also in attendance, confirmed these reports stating that the shirt was in fact ugly, and added: “To tell you the truth, I was far more offended by what he was wearing than by what he said.”
Although Richards’ publicist was not available for comment, The Chairman of the American Nazi Party issued a public statement praising the comedian, and also stating, “The purple collared dress shirt is and always shall be the uniform of Aryan revolutionaries.”
Richards later appeared on the David Letterman show to apologize for his on-stage tirade wearing a dark blue collared dress-shirt – once again, not a product sold by “Lucha Workshop.”
“Had he been wearing a Lucha Workshop t-shirt when he delivered that apology he would have seemed at least a tad bit sincere,” said civil rights leader Rev. Al Sharpton. “Maybe, just maybe, I might have considered accepting his apology.”
V.B.
Orders might be “a little late”
November 26th, 2006See previous post.
Lucha Workshop announces plans to “get drunk, do nothing.”
November 21st, 2006 
At a meeting on Tuesday Clarence(LW’s CEO)announced the next step in LW’s winter campaign. The new project will be called “No Stuff”. The project, which goes into effect immediately and supersedes the previous stage, will include consuming as many alcoholic beverages as possible, then doing nothing. The staff, which has shown signs of fatigue over the four weeks of non-stop productivity, welcomes the plan.
I sat down with Clarence after his announcement. “The previous plan was to do all sorts of stuff, mostly work related. But amid looming deadlines for this and that, a blog that hasn’t been updated in like a month, production problems, labor issues and criminal investigations, I guess we sorta feel like stuff is the last thing we need to do right now.”
Among the alcohol to be consumed: 3 six packs of some “sissy beer” that was on sale, a bottle of Merlot, and an as of yet unidentified jug of something that could be whiskey. “Maybe we can start with the beer and move on to the wine later, and then try to guess what’s in the jug, I dunno. One things for sure were not doing any work. Bottom line, we feel this will make for a more productive Thursday.”
Lucha has cleared the calendar for this afternoon to make room for the new venture, but will be back to the usual on Wednesday
Lucha Workshop Sweeps the First Annual Plummy Awards
September 6th, 2006 Lucha Workshop surprised the public last week, by winning four “Plummy” awards for excellence in crafting. (http://plummies.plumofthemonth.com/) The awards include: Most fines payed to IRS, Best company that rhymes with Blucha Morkshop, Most employees named Franklin (3), and “The Effort Award” for the kids who obviously had no help from their parents building their website.
The event took a turn for the worse when Clarence, Lucha Workshop’s CEO, took to the podium. A visibly inebriated Clarence criticized “lazy carrots,” comic artists crybabies who take way too long making their web comics and tropical fruits in general. Uncomfortable silence filed the auditorium as Clarence joked about The Button Arcade, saying “I’ve been on that site-where are all the games anyway? It should be called The Button No-Arcade.” This was followed by mild pity laughter. Event staff quickly responded by escorting Clarence off the stage.
Our legal department(a couple of copies of a law journal from 1913) had this to say: The Button Arcade is a great company, unaffected by whether or not their site contains any actual arcade games. Web comic artist will come around in their own time and should not be rushed, not all tropical fruit is an abomination, and It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Suspect Caught!
August 9th, 2006
Authorities have apprehended the person they say is responsible for last month’s “thread murders.” He was apprehended hiding in a box at Navarro Discount Pharmacy on Sunset Dr and 107 avenue in southwest Miami Dade County. Authorities say they were acting on a tip from an unknown source. Among the evidence that has been collected: a note that reads “I am acting alone,” a “to do list” which has “kill thread spools” crossed out on it, And the following photos:
The photos, which have been authenticated by officials, show the suspect was present at the crime scenes and definitely took part. “He just looks like trouble”, said one shopper at Navarro Discount Pharmacy.
People that know the suspect say that he was a member of several anti-thread groups and ”kind of a loner.” ”Quiet.” The suspect will be arraigned later today.
Lucha Workshop Announces: “We don’t know this guy.”
August 9th, 2006
Lucha Workshop issued a public statement earlier today denying having any knowledge of this man. The statement went on to add that they have “never ever” had any kind of affiliation with him and definitely have never used whatever services he might offer. “Whatever he is into or whatever he does, whether he collects stamps, does research for a pharmaceutical company, or maybe installs water heaters: we simply don’t know. Other things that Lucha Workshop does not know include: the name of the movie where the dogs rob the bank with dynamite, murder for hire penalties and the square root of -1.
Missing Strike Leaders Found Dead
July 24th, 2006Authorities have confirmed the spools uncovered this weekend are in fact the missing employees of Lucha Workshop. The spools: Red, Blue, Green, and Yellow have been missing since they publicly criticized Lucha Workshop for its treatment of thread. The spools also organized a strike, promising it would continue until practices at LW change.
Blue was found face down in a public pool.
Green was discovered in a shallow grave west of Interstate 95 in northwest Miami-Dade County. 
Yellow was found behind a gas station, an apparent drug overdose.
Red’s remains were discovered at an undisclosed location Despite what sources are saying are “suspicious circumstances,” there are no suspects, no charges have been filled. Lucha Workshop’s new CEO Clarence is calling this a “tragedy.”
In other News: The thread strike is over.
Lucha Workshop to Acquire Stapler
July 5th, 2006
Lucha Workshop has agreed to acquire a Stanley Bostitch model b660 stapler. Lucha Workshop plans to apply the stapler’s capabilities to attach sheets of paper to one another. Lucha Workshop looks forward to Integrating the b660 into its paper gathering division, where the stapler may increase production as much as 80 percent.
Also Today: Thread Strike Leader Red # 2 is said to be missing.
